The importance of being a role model while at the same time respecting our children as their own person
Last week I brought my daughters shopping to Primark, we had lunch in McDonald’s, and I gave them money to go to the shop to buy bottles of Seven Up and Skittles. This might sound like a “normal day at the office” to some ;-), but people who know me will take a double-take at this first sentence. “No way would she ever do such a thing” (sorry for sounding dramatic!) … but guess what, it did happen. Fair enough, it was an exception, but that’s what we did last Thursday.
I grew up in a house where even 50 years ago, a lot of emphasis was put on sustainability, eco-friendly living, a frugal lifestyle and strong judgment of capitalist, commercial, and mainstream processes, companies and products.
As children, we brought home-baked bread to school, our vegetables were grown in our garden, meat, eggs, and milk were sourced primarily from local producers, and our meals were very healthy…sometimes too healthy. We lived quite seasonally, and foraging for wild foods was a normal part of life. I want to make one thing clear, my mum was a great cook, and I count myself extremely lucky to have grown up in this way but: she had quite a long phase of taking it too far, experimenting with all sorts of vegan grain fritters, herb salads etc.
We would come home at lunchtime some days, and my brother and I would look at each other in horror, exclaiming in unison: Oh no, she cooked healthy again today!!
Sweet treats were very rare, and fast food was out of the question. My dad hassled us all day to close doors and switch off lights in order to preserve energy. There was no waste and living beyond means was being frowned upon. Frugality was often taken to extremes, which was really difficult at times. We were kids, so of course, this all seemed unfair and unnecessary to us. All we wanted was a bit of “normality”, a burger and chips, chocolate, crisps, and maybe even, God forbid, a soft drink.
When I moved out to go to university at the age of 19, I truly enjoyed my freedom of choice, and all the years of “eco-living” went out the window. I was finally allowed to eat what I wanted to and buy the clothes (if I could afford them) I liked and didn’t come as hand-me-downs from cousins. I will never forget this sense of endless choice as I was now living in a small city and I cherished every moment, every taste of “exotic” food, every new scent, every new opportunity. Needless to say that I had to work hard as well and earn money while studying, so I never took any of these newfound luxuries for granted.
Some years later, I recall my mum saying that she very much regrets one thing, and that was keeping us on too tight a leash when it came to “stuff” that was normal for other kids of our age, and I have never forgotten that.
Now, as a mum myself, things have gone full circle. I will confess that I am certainly quite strict on sustainability in our house and with our girls, but there needs to be a balance, as the last thing I want is for my children to feel excluded or unnecessarily curtailed. Most of all, we don’t want them growing up with a sense of guilt and shame, which can so easily happen when we get extreme in our views and actions. They know about our core beliefs, but they are getting to an age now where they need to be able to make their own decisions.
All we can do as parents and carers is be a role model while at the same time seeing our children as their own person and respecting their preferences. The girls know about clean energy, shopping on Vinted, and why we prefer to eat organic food. We have taught them the value of having a treat rather than seeing sweets and soft drinks as their “daily bread”. They have a love and respect for Nature and living beings, even though our oldest runs screaming when she sees a spider… talk about nature vs nurture ;-). Fast fashion, biodiversity, climate action, species extinction… our children are (far too) familiar with these buzzwords of our time.
Finding a balance of sustainability and good parenting is not always easy, but I know from my own experiences as a child and mother that it’s so important to show that perfection isn’t necessary, just good intentions and doing our best.
Life is too short to be so hard on ourselves all the time, and always focus on what needs to change. Our children also need to experience the joys and easy parts of life. Letting go is hard, but seeing our children become themselves is priceless.
