My personal story of how I am learning to live well with anxiety and neurodivergence.
I have experienced anxiety for as long as I can remember. Due to my neurodivergence I don’t have a very good detailed memory but I do recall times as a child, when my dad was a little late coming home for example, I was terrified something awful had happened to him, or getting really upset about stories on the news for example. It was a really physical experience, a rush of heat, dizziness, increased heartbeat, needles and pins in my limbs etc.
In those days there was no such thing as awareness of mental health or anxiety so I struggled on quietly by myself, rarely showing any of this to friends or family. I found primary school particularly challenging for various reasons and anxiety was definitely one of them. I was terrified of maths and church (I know, sounds a bit random!!). Our family was not native to the area so I often felt excluded and that I didn’t belong. The teachers in our small country school were not very supportive and actually still used corporal punishment, one of them in particular.
I was always very sensitive to certain things (it’s only in retrospect I realised this) but I was good at masking so I went through the school system with no major difficulties. Secondary school funnily enough was mainly a good experience despite puberty and “teenage dramas”. I was very lucky to have a great class, (mostly) supportive teachers and good friends.
The cracks are starting to show…
Skip forward a decade and a bit, and the cracks were starting to show. I had since moved countries to join my (now) husband in County Tipperary Ireland and was working in a wonderful special school as teacher for children with autism. From the beginning I found it easy to “empathise” with “my” kids and know why they would find a situation challenging. To me it was clear that a light was too bright, a scent too strong, a material too itchy, a person talking too much… little did I know then that I myself am neurodivergent.
At around age 30 I had my first major panic attack. What an utterly terrifying experience. I was certain this was the end. My vision blurred, I had an utterly shaking sense of doom, my heart was racing and I was unable to function. There still was not much publicly known about anxiety and panic attacks so it took a while until I knew what I was dealing with.
Even though I grew up with allergies from early childhood, increased sensitivities were starting to show more and more, especially around my sense of smell. Whereas I was able to just about tolerate strong scents before this, I now got completely overwhelmed by them, unable to stay in the same place and often literally fleeing the scene. I could often be seen with a scarf over my mouth and nose running for cover, a vision that has caused raised eyebrows and shaking heads on many occasions. I will actually never leave the house without a scarf.
Perfumes, smoke, chemical fumes, certain cultivated flowers, fabric softeners, air fresheners etc. had become an issue, severely limiting my everyday life.
It’s all falling apart…
After a few years it became so bad that I had to quit my job which I loved and I got quite isolated socially. Everything seemed like a threat. Scents are invisible so my nervous system was constantly on high alert putting out its feelers for potential danger.
Of course this had an increasing effect on my overall mental and physical health. Panic attacks, low mood and anxiety became a constant companion, which was exhausting. Add to this two young children, no family support, a husband in constant chronic pain and a vicious court case… and voila, you have the perfect storm.
Thankfully I had been studying and practicing mindfulness for a few years and after the only solution I was offered from mainstream healthcare was anti-depressants, I knew I had to become more proactive.
I grew up with a holistic health professional mother so from a young age I knew that there is so much we can do for our own health without solely relying on medication. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for modern medicine which has helped me in frightening situations multiple times, but we have become over-reliant on prescription drugs and have lost the ability to take care of ourselves with common sense methods. Treatment is often focused on symptoms and isolated body parts rather than seeing our whole being and how everything is interconnected.
A glimmer of hope…
Initially it was books that fell into my hands like a sign. There are so many authors I would like to thank in person if I ever met them including: Eva Maria Zurhorst, Rick Hanson, Tara Brach, James Doty, Stephen Porges, Peter Levine, Martin Seligman, Jack Kornfield, Elaine Aron, Donna Eden, Brene Brown, Jon Kabat Zinn and so many more.
I expanded my knowledge base (and actual experiences and results) year after year, both benefiting personally and professionally. It’s one thing to study something, but feeling and seeing the results, getting relief from sometimes relentless pain and struggle… is indescribable.
My personal supports were books (bibliotherapy), mindfulness, nature connection, designated quiet time, setting healthy boundaries (learning to say no!), dietary and lifestyle changes, and some more specific energy healing approaches.
Anxiety is still a firm part of my life and always will be. It’s an invaluable mechanism for any human to protect us from harm and warn us if there is danger. Unfortunately modern day challenges are messing with our brains and nervous systems, which is why it is so important… and possible… to help ourselves discern what’s a real threat and what is not.
There is help out there…
I now have made it my mission to help others who are struggling with their mental and physical health and who are looking to expand their horizon of how we can support ourselves and our loved ones. My personal experience as a neurodivergent person with multiple health challenges, educator, mother and holistic health professional give me a wide spectrum of expertise, know-how and compassionate awareness.
So if you are out there feeling alone and helpless, there is hope and so much you can do to help yourself. Awareness is increasing and the stigma is losing power more and more. If you’re stuck, ask for help or become proactive in educating yourself. For me, books were my life saver initially but we’re all different. We’re not just dependant on waiting lists anymore, there are so many practitioners focusing on mental and physical health out there who are ready to help. You got this! If I can do it, so can you!!
If you would like to know more about my work, take a look here
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